More Roger Stories
By Austin Malcome,
Copyright © 2017 All Rights Reserved.
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Table of Contents
and the Cough Drops
at the Store
Takes the Bus
Deals with Entropy
is a Whiny Emo
the Cough Drops
Two angels materialized
at the foot of Roger's bed. They were beautiful and fat, and joined
together at the stomach. Roger had never seen conjoined angel twins
before, but then, he wasn't a very religious person.
“Roger,” the angels
said simultaneously, “you must eat some cough drops.”
“Cough drops, Roger,”
the angels repeated, in unison. “The world is on the brink of a
nuclear holocaust. Only you can prevent the destruction of humanity.”
“How?” Roger asked.
“Eat menthol cough
drops, Roger,” the angels said. “God has decreed that as long as
you eat menthol cough drops, the atomic apocalypse will be averted.”
“But I don't like
menthol cough drops,” Roger said.
The twin angels flapped
their wings. “This is not about what you want, Roger. This is about
the preservation of mankind.”
“Can I eat candy
“No,” the angels
insisted. “Menthol cough drops.”
“What about those
cherry cough drops that taste like candy?”
“Do they have menthol
“Then don't eat them.
You can only save the world by eating menthol cough drops. Here, we
brought you a bag to get started.”
The angels tossed a bag
of cough drops at Roger.
The bag was huge. Big
yellow letters on the bag read, “Original Menthol Flavor.”
Roger looked at the
The angels looked at
The cough drops did
“Well, what are you
waiting for? Start sucking,” the angels said. “Hurry! The world
is creeping ever closer to the precipice. You must always have a
menthol cough drop in your mouth. Suck on them, quickly!”
Roger crossed his arms.
“No,” he said.
“You can't say no,”
the angels said. “You're the chosen one, the Menthol Messiah. ”
“I'm sorry, but I
just really don't like menthol cough drops.”
angels begged. “Just suck on one. Just one!”
Roger shook his head.
“No,” he said. “Not
“Please, just eat one
tiny little cough drop.”
“No,” Roger said,
“not even one tiny little cough drop.”
The angels looked
through Roger's bedroom window. A strange orange glow spilled over
the horizon. They jumped onto Roger's bed. Left-angel pulled out a
giant sword, and held the blade at Roger's throat. Her conjoined twin
ripped the bag of cough drops open. Together, the angels grabbed
Roger's head and worked to pry his mouth open.
But Roger's mouth would
not open. Roger had spent many years in and out of prisons and mental
institutions, where people were always trying to force disgusting
things into his mouth. He possessed incredible strength in his lower
jaw. He kept his teeth clamped together, hard.
The wind outside
carried an eerie moan. The orange glow grew brighter, until it was
enough to illuminate Roger's room.
“Eat the fucking
cough drop, you piece of shit!” the angels cried.
Roger ground his teeth
“Shit. He's not going
to eat it. We have to get out of here, fast!” The angels flapped
their wings and shot up through Roger's roof. The ceiling snowed
Roger stared up through
the hole in his roof.
It was very bright
outside, considering the time, he thought.
The angels flew as fast
as they could, but it wasn't fast enough. A radioactive shock wave
washed over them. Their flesh disintegrated. Their bones burned to
More plaster fell on
Roger, and he coughed. His throat was irritated from the plaster
“You know, I think
I'll have one of those cough drops after all,” he said.