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The Best Sex Study Ever by Ina Disguise

Copyright 2017 Ina Disguise



Book 6 in the Best Ever Series, you may wish to read Best Scandal Ever to identify the characters before this one, apart from that the order does not matter too much.

“Pull it tighter, Aldous.” Kira gasped as she hung on to the door handle. Aldous duly pulled the strings on the corset as hard as he could.

“Surely you can't expect to get through your day without breathing, Kira.” He handed her the ends of the string. “That is as tight as it will go without cutting you in two.”

“Thanks. It's to remind me not to eat.”

“Isn't there a better way of doing this? You could always hire a personal trainer?” Aldous looked at his rather uncomfortable looking friend.

“Interacting with puny humans is how we got into this mess in the first place.” Kira tied the ends of the string. “Besides, personal trainers cost money.”

“You have plenty of money, Kira. Why don't you start taking an actual wage?”

“That is company money, and I don't do all that much for the company. How is it going anyway?”

“Fine, Kira. Things at the office are just fine. I am thinking of dating my secretary.” Aldous blushed slightly. He was not sure that this would work for Kira. You never knew what the reaction was going to be.

“Oooh. Good. Is she small and Spanish looking, and a bit P J Harvey?” Kira looked excited. “Where are you thinking of taking her?”

“She likes bird watching, so I thought I might take it up.” Aldous concentrated on giving Kira's cat the evil eye rather than meet her gaze. “I think she might be with someone though.”

“Why are you asking her out then?”

“She seems to want to go.” Aldous looked morose.

“Great, go for it then. It will be nice to see you happy.” Kira perched on the edge of the bed and looked longingly at her exercise bike. “Perhaps I should try dating again, once I have got rid of the extra Leon weight.”

“So, next year then? Is there any point at your age?” Aldous looked as if he genuinely wanted to know, unaware of the wound he was inflicting.

“I don't need to actually do anything with them. I could just take them out and chat. It's an excuse to get out, I guess.”

“Oh God, not this again. Do I have to find them?”

“No, poppet, no. I have plenty of time to do that myself.” Kira picked up her laptop and selected a browser. “What shall I research this time? Doctors, lawyers, engineers?”

“Why not cut to the chase and research them via their sexual preferences? You do appear to be a bit odd in that department?” Aldous cast a critical eye over Kira in her tight-lacing. Why she would choose to go to all that trouble and then smother herself in a giant jumper he would never understand, but he had to admit she did look slightly better in it.

“Good idea, I could just throw in some standardised questions and figure out what I actually wanted in the first place.”

Whilst Aldous was relieved that Kira was no longer concerned about upsetting Sam, after eventually discovering that he was, in fact, married all along, he did wonder about her reasoning. She had effectively wasted her last few years on beating herself up over him. He pondered whether she had now left it too late. She was not the most trusting of souls at the best of times, so why she had invested so much emotion in such a bad bet he did not know. She could not possibly be recovering this fast, so presumably this wish to date was some sort of rebound. In the meantime, shouldn't she be proving her mettle by getting on with the original book? Aldous had read her notes, it was not entirely clear why her self-belief was quite so shattered.....

“Would a magnificent and yet very small sample of sexual behaviour be a good seller, do you think?” Kira was already evaluating the book sales from a book about dates that she had not made yet.

“I am sure it would, but is that what you want your name on?”

“It doesn't matter what I put my name on if it doesn't sell, now does it? That is rather the point of the project in the first place.” Kira glowered at him. “I need to get better at this, is the point.”

“OK.” Aldous picked up his cardigan. “I need to get back to the office. Oh, Harry sends his regards.”

“Harry can keep them.” Kira grimaced as she thought about Aldous' brother. He seemed to have found religion, for the umpteenth time. How dull.

“Kira, are you OK? I mean it's been really stressful recently. Leon is gone, Sam was married, your mother isn't exactly saying much. Do you really want to take on a new project?”

“Well, I seem to be responding to it by losing weight, getting fitter, and actually wearing all these corsets. I am also writing a lot and trying to get over my fear of my own face, so I think I am probably doing OK?” Kira frowned. “Maybe I just needed a full stop of some sort. They are probably all narcissists anyway. Or maybe it's me. I don't know.”

“Narcissists? I can see why you would say that about Sam.....”

“Actually, despite his high score on the test we ran, I think he is the least likely narc out of the three of them, not that it is really any of my business.” Kira put on some fingerless gloves. It was cold in the studio. “Entrepreneurs have to develop a kind of faux narcissism to get through their day. I have always had the impression that Sam is a very brave and rather flippant version of me, so I like to ignore any bad bits. I was a pretty evil boss once, and it was really just inexperience and carelessness.”

“Tell me about it. You really shouldn't do that. You need to grow out of him.” Aldous headed for the door. “As long as you are sure that you're OK?”

“I'll survive, I always do.” Kira climbed onto the exercise bike. “I'll see you later Aldous. Let me know how you get on with your secretary.” She put her headphones on, with the intention of playing some very loud drums to block out any actual thought whilst she punished her enormous legs, still huge from her ministrations to the deceptively satanic Leon. So far she had taken 2 inches off her arms, 7 inches from her waist and 4 inches from each leg just by addressing her social media chores from atop the bike and taking a walk twice a day.

She was aware that she was now at war. Not with Sam, she didn't blame him for anything, probably not even things he was actually responsible for, but with the forces that had altered her life so drastically over the previous ten years. The people making inept decisions about her father, who now seemed determined to kill her mother, the family that had tried to ruin her to get their parent's money, the inadequate employers, the insecure women, the emasculated men. Taking it all into account, Kira had originally perceived it all as a massive cultural problem that was solvable via the dispensation of the right information. If only she could distribute it, this was something she could actually do something about.

Sam's life had taken a different direction from where he had been seven years before. He was, for practical purposes, no use to her now anyway. Married, with domestic concerns, and a massive following of obscure sub-groups that whilst useful to him, were no use at all to her. She would have to do the job herself. She guessed that this was a good thing. It would force her out of hiding and into the public gaze. A challenge far beyond the one she had originally considered when she had picked Sam as her muse in the first place.

The laughable part was that Sam would have benefitted far more from this project than she ever would, had he chosen to talk to her in the first place. It couldn't be helped now. Kira pedalled on, thinking ruefully about the paradox of self-belief and consideration for others. She was now guilty of the same thing, she guessed, side-lining people in favour of personal achievement. Having just witnessed where it had taken Sam, she wondered if she would respond any better if someone approached her in the same way. Probably not. It had not helped that the moment at which they had met was one in which they were both at just the right point of sadness, where their cynicism had met and briefly intertwined. He had become more of an irritant later, when he was more cheerful.

At least he was extremely wealthy, she was sure that this would give him some personal satisfaction, although when she glanced at his work she saw evidence of some complacency and aging. She did not like the look of it.

She had predicted at the time that he would end up a part of her, rather than the other way around. Even she had felt that this was madness talking at the time. Now it seemed, it would probably come true, unless she proved inadequate for the task. Kira thought that she probably still was, but in the meantime it would not hurt to rule her appearance out of her failure. She would create her alter ego, in the hope that her alter ego would do a better job than she could.....

The first thing she did was find an alternative muse, a world famous politician that she had admired when his glorious mistake had changed history. Eye catching and popular, she began to create an alternative history and glamorous furniture for him. She had, oddly, started on this project the year before discovering that, as far as Sam was concerned, all was lost, so, she surmised, this was a good place to start expanding her persona. Clearing the studio, was, therefore, at least as important as shedding her uncomfortable skin, as was writing the book she had promised him. This was to take about a year, she figured, during which she would also complete her fiction project for Sam, which had been designed to give reach rather than make any money. She also had a box full of sewing needing finished, but this was temporarily abandoned in favour of putting time into her appearance and writing.

Many 5am starts and investments in clothing were required to repair the damage. She tried to be pragmatic about this, since she would also probably require a little surgery at some indeterminate point. Studio work was to be done in the middle of the night, and care for her mother took up most of the conventional morning. She also had courses to finish, to complete the only money-making portion of the project she had planned. Kira was extremely busy, which was always Kira's favourite place to be. The long walks and frantic movement seemed to be improving her mood, and the corsets certainly improved her sex drive, which had for a long time been ignored in favour of laughing at Sam's imaginary soul mate humour. She wondered what she should really do about this, since her appearance still did not match her imagination? At length, Kira came back to this idea of the sex study. How would she go about this, without having to spend time away from her mother?

And so, Kira returned to the idea of exploring her sexuality through the medium of social research. She commenced her study by conducting a general series of interviews with random people, male and female, which proved strangely popular with interviewees old and young. This took three months. Kira was always thorough.

Aldous appeared at long last, carrying some iced water. “Stop for a minute, Kira. I can't stay long.”

Kira turned off the chainsaw and removed her goggles. Carefully avoiding the ducks, she crossed the croquet lawn and joined Aldous at the table.

“You are thinner.”

“Yep. That's what happens when you avoid food.” Kira sat down with a slightly flat air. “Much as I love food, I do like wearing clothing I don't actually hate and being able to move around a bit.”

“How is the study going?” Aldous was genuinely curious. He did not get this much juicy gossip often.

“Beta males are better in bed but neglected in favour of bullshitter alphas and pseudo alphas who then ignore what women want. That just about covers it.” Kira looked gloomy. “A lot of married women are extremely unhappy and seem to think relationships are about tolerance rather than happiness.”

“So everybody is having a crap time then?”

“Yep. The only people having any fun seem to be either role playing at relationships or selfish and very single, which leads me to believe that the path to happiness is probably polyamorous.”

“I don't think I would be very happy with that.” Aldous was gagging to tell Kira about his very full sex life with his secretary, but he hedged slightly as he waited for her attention.

“I used to think it was the way to go, now I think I would just like to curl up with one half decent and motivated person. Having done it, I'm a bit fed up with long-term polyamorous. It is too much hassle keeping up with all the narratives, and none of them are very happy. The only good part is that they don't always turn up” Kira yawned. “Besides which, cats don't bring iced water.”


“How is the sexy secretary?” Kira glanced at Aldous.

“I moved in to her place last week.” Aldous looked smug.

“Excellent news. What are you doing here then? Shouldn't you be sucking toes or something?” Kira chuckled, waving away a passing bee.

“Thought I would check in. Are you going to find someone then?”

“If I can find someone with sufficient imagination and wit to extend their moods into their sexual behaviour, then I guess you will find out. It does not seem to be an easy bar to hit.” Kira pouted. “I cannot believe how hung up people are.”

“I think they get hung up because there isn't enough time to think about this stuff?”

“No, they are cornered into roles. They look at their parents and think – I am a man so I must spend Saturdays at the pub whilst she goes shopping etc etc. Even some of the wilder ones I was with were like that. Children kind of reduce your sexual IQ too. Maybe it's a choice. Children or sexual expression?”

“That kind of makes sense.”

“I've found since turning 40, that men like to delineate too much too. At least two of the exs assumed because I had not got myself knocked up that I didn't like kids. That kind of puts the kibosh on bothering when I have so little time left. You are either a rather dull and nagging madonna with child or a slut, apparently. Well, sorry boys, but I don't have time for bullshit hang-ups.” Kira finished her water. “Why can't I just find someone that doesn't lie to me and can not only give but accept something slightly more interesting than his orgasm, followed by a cough?” Kira laughed, despite the tragedy of the situation. “So I have decided to meet some swingers.”

“Some what?” Aldous was aghast.

“Swingers aren't going to lie about it, are they? I have a date set up next week. Male model, likes wearing stockings. Nice lighting. What do you think?” Kira showed Aldous a picture of a suitably hunky chap in his very small pants.

“Seriously, you have a date with him?” Aldous was extremely impressed.

“Why not? I also have a date with this guy. Now he is a sexual dominant. I am sure he will be interesting.” Kira showed Aldous a picture of a guy who appeared to be about the same size as the garage door they sat next to.

“Not sure you are going to be giving him much of a spanking.” Sublime to the ridiculous, Aldous thought.

“No, but he was chattier than the others.”

“There are more?”

“Oh gosh yes, I have a psychology professor dom, an IT manager submissive, a tranny actuary who wants to go shopping and a hotel owner in the pipeline. It all sounds terribly entertaining.” Kira stretched out in the sunlight and shut her eyes.

“Is this safe?”

“Probably not, but who cares what happens to me? I briefly considered meeting a few women, and then decided they would probably put me off for life.”

Aldous had to concede that Kira was right on this occasion, nobody, including him, truly did care about what happened to her. At least she was probably stronger than them, he thought. Besides, what was he going to do about it? “Where are you finding them all?”

“That would be telling.” Kira laughed. “Seriously, it is quite easy.” She had prepared a mission statement years earlier. It almost described Sam, she recalled, apart from the lack of basic manners. She had always imagined whomever she ended up with would be reasonably polite, ideally extremely polite. None of these people, apart from the psychology professor, were even close to the character she had sought, and he sounded slightly dangerous. “It's OK, I wasn't planning on rushing into anything.”

Some weeks later, Kira had completed dates with a surveyor who thought that foreplay consisted of asking her to make him tea, who had then become irate that she did not participate in the tea-making; the swinger, who had not wanted to chat at all, and had rather upset her by appearing in stockings within seconds of her arrival; the psychology professor, who had wanted to bind breasts blue and who was very insecure about his looks; and the submissive, who was disappointed that Kira did not wish to play with him on first meeting. This was simply not Kira's way. Kira was a slow burn long-termer, she realised. She was just not acquainted to this fast-food approach to sex that they seemed to expect. She very quickly learned that one's sexual proclivities were not the way to meet like-minded people. Did like-minded people even exist? She decided that after the next batch, she would try 'switches' - people who liked to change roles, to see if she could find the relevant grade of potential activity that way.

The following night it was the turn of the hotel owner. She duly appeared at a bar around the corner from his hotel.

“Oh, gosh. Are you sure you are submissive? You look as if you might punch me.” He was reasonably attractive, and yet he seemed very inexperienced.

“Not particularly either way. I was looking for a particular kind of person, rather than launching into ripping my clothes off.” Kira sipped her pint of water.

“I would like to see you in a split skirt and stockings. I want to obliterate your face.”

Kira looked down at herself. Had he actually looked at her? Did he have any taste at all? Anyone could see she was more of your 'purring velvet with claws' type. This would not do. This would not do at all.

Fortunately, the following night was the turn of the huge chatty dominant. He was very friendly, had a lot of submissives on the go, and was part of the BDSM scene, so a lot more confident, despite the fact he was the size of at least four people. He explained that submissive women were some of the most bossy women he had ever come across, perpetually demanding, perpetually asking for what they wanted. Being a dominant was not so difficult. It was a question of encouraging people to tell you what they wanted. Kira felt a lot more positive about this, although she baulked at the idea of the request that one of his submissives had made. She had wanted to eat faeces. Kira saw him twice, but on his request to meet some of the others said no, she was still considering the matter.

She considered the matter for some months, until she attempted to meet some switches. One submitted within two dates and insisted on being naked, even when introduced to her mother. The other was charming, but very bitter about caring for his mother, which became irritating very quickly as Kira was in the same situation, minus the huge degree of bitterness.

Finally, Kira tried to meet another author. He had seemed interesting, intelligent and polite. This awkward episode ended up with Kira receiving a phone call from a rich Bangladeshi in Saudi asking whether she would be interested in 'Doberman Pinschers and nuns.' Kira politely declined.

“So, what's the verdict?” Aldous was concerned at Kira's continued loneliness.

“Confidence is key. Persistence is key. I have a very low tolerance for people.” Kira looked gloomy. “I don't want any more phone calls from freaks.”

“But what kind of deviant are you?” Aldous looked quizzical.

“None the wiser. I think I will stick to repressive art until some irritating, intelligent and charming clown amuses me enough to make me want to do anything with them at all.”

“Back where we started then.”

“That's about the size of it.”

About the Author: Ina Disguise lives in Scotland, and has cats. Http:/inadisguise.com for artwork, books and games in the near future.

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