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Screwed up

Copyright 2017 Amy Sparks

Published and Edited by Aria Grey at Smashwords

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Other Books By Amy Sparks

He Loves Me, He Loves Me Not…


Death. It's an amazing word if you think about it. Death. The way how people think death is some crazy, scary thing, but for me? It's somehow not. A word like that thrills my life, and somehow I wanna learn more about that word. Since I'm talking about death, you might think that I'm some crazy, psychopath that's depressed. Yeah, well I'm not. Or maybe I am. Who knows. Some people say I'm depressed, some people say I'm crazy and some people just think I'm screwed up. But hey, it's the thought that counts. My parents always knew there was something wrong with me, and they've tried everything. I mean everything. They took me to over twenty therapists that thought could help me, but somehow it didn't work. Boo hoo. My teachers have been putting me through guidance at school every lunch and after school, but somehow that doesn't work either. They also told me to go to some group meetings that are filled with people that have problems just like me, but I've never gone. Not once. I don't need some person telling me how to "fix" myself and how to "help" myself through this damned life. But anyway, I'm getting way out of hand here, oh, by the way, my name is Genesis.

Chapter one

The cold wind hits the back of my head with a pressure that makes me shiver hard. It's about seven in the morning and a Monday. Great right? I have school today which means that I gotta put on my "happy" face so that everyone thinks that I'm somewhat fine and happy in this life. I grab the covers and pull them off me as I get up. I take a good long stare at the ceiling and say the words that always come up in my magical mind.

        "So, another day, another screwed up life. Not dead yet, but I'll wait." I somehow always wait. I shake my head at the words boggle my mind and leave me to sadden for how my life might turn out. I walk to the other side of my room, where my mirror is. I look in the mirror and see this girl that confuses me. A small yet strong girl. With green eyes, and a blue shimmer in them. Chestnut hair, and tiny little freckles on both cheeks. Pale, yet clear skin, and a good height for a seventeen-year-old. I sigh as I make myself walk out of my room and into the bathroom. I do my normal routine that I always do in the morning, which starts with putting up my hair so I can wash my face. My hair is so soft, that it makes you think that you're holding a feather. I put my hair in a high messy bun, and wash my face with some soap and water. After I splatter on some face cream and smile in front of the mirror as if that's what I always do in the morning. I'm a fraud, even for myself. I've always been a fraud for my whole life, but people can see through me. They're just scared to understand me. Later I brush my teeth and then I hop into the shower. I shed my clothes off and hop into the bathtub, and turn on the cold water. The icy water hits my head and I shiver as it wets my whole body. I never take a shower with warm water or hot water. Always cold water. Cold water somehow makes me feel alive, even though being alive is the last thing I think about. After my cold shower, I grab a towel and wrap it around my body and my hair. I walk out the bathroom and feel the cold air hitting me. As soon as I take one step my stupid ass dog comes running in between my legs, which makes me lose control of myself and I fall right on the hard, cold floor.

      "Seriously?!" I say to my dog, even though I don't even think he knows a single English word. I try to get up without losing my towel, which is a success. I make way into my room and close the door. I drop the towel and change as fast as I can so I won't be late for school. You see, the thing is, I don't give a care in the world for school, but somehow my marks still matter to me, and if I'm at least late, I might just commit suicide extra early. What can I say? I'm screwed up. I put on some sweatpants and a big sweatshirt that makes me feel warm in a second. I put on a pair of thick socks and I leave my hair down so it can dry. I don't even need to comb it because it's so soft and silky, so I just run downstairs to the kitchen so I can eat my breakfast. As soon as I open the kitchen door, I'm greeted by my mom. My dad, of course, is at work, and my mom always leaves work as soon as I go to school. She somehow thinks I might do something crazy like killing myself. Like I'd ever do that at home. Or at school. I would rather die somewhere I love. Like the beach, or in the forest, or around my favorite foods. I groan as she gives me a hug and kisses my head. My mom is honestly beautiful. She has a long tall physique, and long, straight brown hair. She has brown eyes and a beautiful smile that can make anyone smile back. I got my physique from her, and my hair too. I got my eye color from my father and I guess my personality too. My dad is also tall, with brown hair and beautiful eyes. I guess I got lucky. The only thing that confuses me is how I got my freckles. No one in my family has freckles, and somehow I'm the only one who got it. Most people think that I'm a natural redhead, but I just dyed my hair brown, like that would ever happen. My freckles are not red, so I don't know where they're getting the "redhead" from. As I'm getting back from reality, I make way to the kitchen and grab an apple from the kitchen and my mug that's filled with black coffee. Like my soul of course. The more black and tasteless the coffee is, the more I love it. I can hear my mother calling me, but I can't hear her. As soon as I make way to the front door I hear my mom calling me.

       "Don't forget Genesis! Your father and I are having people over around six o'clock for dinner, and I hope you can join us, dear." The way my mother says "dear" makes me cringe. Like damn, it's not the 1800's. I have no idea what time period my mother is living in right now, but I don't care. I rather just go to school instead fight with her on how she talks and all.

     "Yeah, sure mom. I'll uh, be there for sure. I gotta go though. Bye." I say as I open the door and walk out of my house. I hear my mother's "bye" echoing throughout the house, and I slam the door as fast as I can so it doesn't echo out. I walk to my car and open the door with my keys. Each of my parents has a car, and also me. Somehow we can't be some normal family who shares cars and are okay with driving someone else's car. But no, my family is not even close to being like a normal family. My dad hates borrowing my mom's car, and my mom hates borrowing my dad's car. Some twisted up parents that I have. But hey, what can you do? I get in my red Ford and slam the door shut. I put on my seatbelt and put the key in the ignition and start the car. Honestly, I don't really need to drive to school but I know for sure that if I walk to school, someone will talk to me, which will make me so annoyed I might just punch the crap out of them. I just don't like people. I arrive at the school and I park my car where I always park it. Somewhere that is close to the school, so I don't have to run, and somewhere that no "cool" people or any other person can be parked beside me and ask me "Oh, you're that girl who loves death right?" Give me a damn break already. I reach behind the back seat to grab my bag and my books, and my coffee too. As I grab my book, I accidentally hit the car horn with my elbow and it just lets out a huge honk!

     "Mother F!...." I instantly shut my mouth before I say the "F" word.   I'm honestly the type of person who swears 24/7, but I'm trying to change myself, and the perspective on how I see life. But yeah, it's not quite working well as I thought it would be. I ignore the group of people who are staring at my car since it just let out a huge honk for nothing. I open the car door and try to fix myself. I fix my bag strap and my big ass hoodie and I check the seats if I missed anything. Not seeing anything, I slam the car door which creates another loud noise, but eh, I don't give a crap anymore. I lock my car and I walk to the school without looking like an idiot. As I may way into the school, a hand stops me. Oh shit. As I turn around I see my principal, Mr. Tompelson.

        "Crap..." I whisper under my breath, but I know for sure he heard me. Everyone hears me, so of course, he heard me swear. Of course. I give Mr. Tompelson a big smile, but of course, he doesn't buy it.

       "Let's go Ms. Swan." He says my last name like we're in the army. I cringe when he says my last name since my last name is basically the name of a white ass bird. Swan. Ugh. "Rebecca Swan." More like "The screwed up kid." Yeah, that's more like it. I follow my principal down the hall and I know for sure that about the whole hallway of students are staring me. They all know who I am. Everyone know's who I am. For someone who's trying to be hidden from the world, I'm not doing a pretty good job. I take a big sip from my mug and swallow the still piping hot coffee. The coffee burns my throat, but it's not like I care. I don't even react to it. Mr. Tompelson opens his office door and lets me in first.

      "Such a gentleman. Thank you." I say, which makes him look even madder. Like what the hell did I ever do to this old grump? His office is honestly like a big room. He has his desk filled with papers and binders, as he makes way for them. He orders me to sit down, which of course I do because I ain't gonna make him madder then he already is. That's asking for death, and as much as I so want that, I'm just not ready. I sit down and cross my legs, so I can look very professional, and so I can hold my books in a comfortable way. Mr. Tompelson clears his throat, which sounds extremely disgusting and it's making me lose my appetite. Doesn't this dude know any manners? Oh wait, he doesn't since he honestly grabbed me for a "talk."

       "Ms. Swan, you do know why you're here right?" He says in a polite tone. Finally a tone I can communicate with.

       "Uh... because I'm extremely an awesome person and I deserve a million dollars right?" I say with an exaggerated tone.

       "Ms. Swan! You are here because all of your teachers are telling me that you keep coming to class with a depressing set of vibe! He keeps on shouting and honestly he's making no sense whatsoever.

      "Uh, I don't understand. So, I'm not getting the million dollars?" He groans and put his hands through his hair and tugs on the ends. Oh shit, I'm dead.

      "Genesis, look. You are a very sweet, and intelligent girl. But your teachers are telling me that they think you are "depressed." He adds air quotes to the word "depressed" and it's making me mad. I instantly stand up and shout at him.

     "Mr. Tompelson, I'm not depressed! Am I just crazy for acting like a normal person? Is it that crazy to think about death every single day? Is it crazy to just think hell, and heaven and how no one where they're gonna go when they die? Is it crazy to just imagine you're death and the pain you're gonna feel? Is it?!" I'm gasping like I've run out of breath, and honestly, I am out of breath. Is this where I'm gonna die? In the middle of my principal's office because I can't breathe? Huh, not a bad place, but not a great one. I bit my lip and sit down.

       "Genesis, please. Look, we know that your parents have taken you to some therapists and your teachers have been trying to help you too at school and after school to Genesis. Please, just let us help you." Mr. Tompelson sits up and takes a deep breath. Let him help me? Hell no. I don't need help, all I need is my little hades coming to pick me up and take me home. I sit up and walk to the door.

      "Sorry, Mr. Tompelson. I don't need help. I don't want help. To make you feel better, I'm not depressed, I'm just crazy for thinking like a normal person." And I leave with those words fluttering around his office.

Chapter Two

I'm in English class right now and I'm about to kill myself. Ha, funny right? My teacher, Ms. Verna, is trying to make everybody write about how life would be like without humans, and I'm stuck. Like dead on stuck. Honestly, I have no problem with writing how humans are not really needed in this sad, old life, but I can't just write that. Ms. Vern would just tell Mr. Tompelson on what I wrote and he's gonna tell my parents, and their gonna take me to some other therapist that's gonna tell me the same words every other therapist has told me. "She's just depressed." F them. Like whenever people tell me that I'm just depressed it makes me so mad, hell I could just punch the crap out of them. But I won't because it's so not worth punching the crap out of someone. I grab a pen from my pencil case and I draw some fake tats on my arm. I write "death is life" on my wrist and I blow on it so it doesn't smudge off. As I blow it off I hear a voice behind me that breaks me out of my zone. Oh crap, it's a boy. This boy. Matthew Brown, the boy who everyone admires and somehow thinks he's the God of this school. Pff, give me a break. This dude doesn't even know how to add simple numbers, yet he's the God of the school? I groan and turn around to hear what he has to say.

       "What?" I say with a harsh tone. A tone he deserves so I can't be blamed for this. He gives me a smirk that makes the girls faint of course. But for me? Uh hell no. This stupid idiot can't even make me smile. Only make me sadden for his parents and his life. Matthew comes closer and gives another one of his "handsome" smiles. Great..

        "You know Genesis, death is not the answer for everything. Death is not life." Matthew winks at me and I give a disgusted look at him. I flip him off and that makes him laugh.

        "You know Matthew, life is not all filled happiness. Life is honestly filled with crap and shitty people just like you. No wonder my life is feeling like crap because people like you make it like that. Point one for me, point zero for you." I say, and I turn around to continue writing on my damn hand. That boy can shut up and continue admiring himself if he wants. I just won, and he just lost. What I didn't know was that everyone is somehow staring at me. Like full on staring at me. Some pervs. I stand up and open my stupid ass mouth while Ms. Vern is outside of the classroom.

       "What? If you guys think I'm somehow hitting on your stupid popular kid here, I'm not. I rather honestly kiss a dog. Also, you people can all suck it!" And I leave the classroom with my head held high, and my middle fingers up in the air like I own this damn school.  Well, stupid people zero, Genesis one. I walk out of the classroom and honestly, I leave the school. I leave it like there's no need for me to come back, and also I don't think people will even care that I left. It's not like they care about me. Hell, my parents don't even care for me. I know for sure that Ms. Vern will notice that I'm gone, or maybe someone will tell her that "crazy girl" just left the classroom. Who cares. I open the doors of the school and walk out into the cold air. I know I don't want to leave, leave the school, but I just want to leave it. I honestly have nowhere to go, so I just go to the school and sit down on the cold ground against the brick wall. I open my bag and find a pack of cigarettes.

        "Score! Thank you, Hades." I grab the pack and open it and grab one cigarette. Yeah, I'm seventeen years old and I smoke. Big deal. We're all gonna die someday, so why not now? I started smoking about a year ago and honestly, it's disgusting, but somehow a relief when you're stressed and confused about this shitty life. I did though quit for about a week, and that didn't work since I'm smoking now. I grab a lighter from my bag and I light the cigarette. I put the cigarette in my mouth and I suck it until I can't breathe. I blow out the smoke and cough. Disgusting stuff, but somewhat good. I continue smoking the cigarette until I hear a voice that makes me jump.

       "You know, smoking is not good for you. Didn't your parents warn you about it?" Matthew says as he walks closer to me and now I'm getting pissed. His hands are in his pockets and of course, he looks good. He always looks good.

       "Hardee har har. Give me a break. You smoke. I've seen you." I take the cigarette out of my mouth and throw it on the ground and step on it. I stand up and I take a big stretch because somehow I feel like this cigarette just made me tired as hell. I look at Matthew and I see him with a face that makes me roll my eyes. This kid is staring at me, and I know where he's staring at.

        "Hello???" I say which makes him blink and he shakes his head like he's a dog.

       "I uh. Look, Ms. Vern wants you to come inside. Like now?" Matthew waits for me to reply but all I do is scoff at him and pick up my bag and walk away from him.

      "Genesis! Come on! What the hell is wrong with you?" Oh hell no. I get so mad that I turn around and I walk until I'm an inch close to his face.

      "You know. You're a monster. You don't think through stuff, don't you? You just say what comes out of your stupid mouth and think that "oh, it's fine if I say that" right?" I'm boiling right now, and I don't care. Matthew takes a step back and looks down on the ground.

      "I'm sorry. My fault. Just please, please come back to class. Ms. Vern wants you to come back. Please?" He says with a sincere tone that makes me confused. Huh, I guess he's different, but still the same dumb boy I hate. I take a step back and walk back to the school. I can feel him smiling, thinking that he just made "crazy girl" come back to class with his "fake" words. I don't care. I don't wanna care, all I want is some food and my bed, but no, somehow I can't have that. Food is the only choice I have right now, and it's a good choice. I walk back into class and I know for sure that Ms. Vern is straight on pissed at me, but eh, what can I do about it? I walk to my seat and sit down with my head held high. I bring out my books and my pencil and I hear Matthew laughing.

      "Well? are we gonna learn or not?" I say to Ms. Vern and all she does is sigh and turn her back to the blackboard and writes some notes on the board. I copy them down and tell myself the words I wanna hear every day.

      "One more day was gone. Another day will be the day that death may come, or may not." And I whisper those words under my breath as I copy down the notes.

Chapter Three

It's lunchtime, and I'm starving. I already put my books in my locker and I put some perfume about all over my body so that nobody can smell the cigarette smell on me. I have my headphones on as I try to block out all of the people around me. I can feel everyone's eyes on me and it makes me shiver. I put my hair up and zip up my big ass hoodie so it can protect me from the evil of this world that I live in. I make way into the cafeteria and I find the lunch line and grab a spot so I can get some of the good food, not the bad food that everyone leaves behind. I grab a spot in line and of course, Matthew Brown had to be right in front of me. I know it from his clothes and also by how there are a group of girls around him. Give me a break. I try to hold my breath because I know that if I just let one breath, he's gonna know it's me. This dude somehow knows everything now. I grab an apple and some pizza and a cookie and I walk forward to pay. As I pay I smile at the lunch lady and take a bit of my apple as I walk away from her. As I walk away, I hear someone calling my name. Oh hell no.

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