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Excerpt for Thoughts by , available in its entirety at Smashwords

Weakness



I have to fight.

I will fight.

I have to be brave.

I am brave.

I will be brave

I have to be strong.

I am strong.

I will be strong.

I will give up if you give me a reason to.



















The letter



Dear me

Silent battles don’t make a sound

Silent battles suggest strength and bravery

The crowd loves to cheer but there is nothing like that in silent battles,

You are your own cheerleader.



Silent battles are matters of the heart

Matters of the heart, that even one who uses taoist magic cannot fathom.

No one can know unless you let them in.



Silent battles can kill.

Silent battles are a small still prayer that each day ...

I present them to the one who cares.



Silent battles....

To my dearest self.





Hiding.



I heard them scream,

I heard them shout,

I heard them sing, “salvation at last”.

When I looked around, I never saw who it was but I kept hearing them.

They were the voices in my head yearning for “salvation”.



I saw them walking,

I saw them holding hands.

I searched around,

It was all in vain.

It was my shadow longing for company.



It was all within.

Outside I never showed

Since all that surrounded me was fake.









I wish I knew.



I never knew,

That I would be shattered.

I never knew,

I would feel it to the core.



I never knew that my head start wasn’t so bright.

Sometimes, I wish I knew.

I could have leaped over the puddle

And kept my garments white.

Unfortunately, they got all messed up

Because I did not know.



I wish I knew that they were leading me astray.

They never told me that

I was leading a thorn filled path.

Thorns trespassed into my skin and broke me.

What hurts the most is that I had asked them

To lead me because I was blind

... Sometimes I wish I knew.



I prayed daily to God

To make me just like Mary but he didn’t.

He didn’t even make me an imitation of Isaiah.

If only he had answered me,

I could have been able,

To foretell my tragedies.

I wouldn’t be in so much agony

I wouldn’t be as anguished as I am.



Sometimes I wish I knew

... well I didn’t.















When things happen.



When things happen they can change you.

When things happen they overshadow you

So much that everything becomes blurry.



When things happened, I fell.

They moved so fast,

I couldn’t keep up but never felt exhausted.

They made me smile each time I thought of the changes.

I couldn’t help it.



But one day, everything mystified.



Things began to happen once more.

This time it was unpredictable.

Things happened so fast

That I could not control the fate of changes.

I lost it all because things happened.



After the realisation of what was happening

I was dumbfounded.

It was a jaxta of what had happened before.

Hahaha, I was so daft.

Up to the extent of not noticing the signs.

The signs...



Things happened but this time,

I lost it all.



























Umthwalo [burden].



Is anyone around?

Is anyone there?

Please, take my hand

If you can’t, just hear me out.



I am trying to tell you,

But my lips are numb and corroded.

Hope you can hear me.

Please, just listen

My heart is saying what I cannot vocalize.

Just pay attention

You will hear it all.



I don’t need anything

I just want you to listen

Maybe, just maybe....







A day less day.



I wanted to be happy.

I wanted to smile again.

I wanted to walk in the sunlight again.

But it seemed never to rise on this side of the world.



The sun never rose

Nor did the moon shine.

Not being in utter darkness was the irony.



I never got to understand,

How I managed to garner the strength to live through a day that did not exist.

It’s very insulting,

Being expected to face something

that has no witness to.



Now that I have managed to understand

A drop in the sea.

I am appreciating my existence

That does not exist.

I think I have invented the wheel.





































Something in the rain.



How is it possible,

That a drop of water can bring peace?

How is it possible,

That a drop of water can instantly change a desert?

How is possible,

That it makes miracles happen?



What is in it?

What is its chemical composition?

Why has it never fall on me?

Where should I go to encounter such a miracle?



I want peace too.

I want an oasis too.

I want a feel of the drop too



I know , I sound greedy

Yes I am greedy,

No I am not.

It’s just that

There is something about the rain that makes me go crazy.



































Bury it.



I dug it deep.

I dug a pit.

I took it off and threw it in.

I wish it had not been in my dreams.

I want the courage to really do it

But I always hold on tight.



I do not feel safe wearing it.

I am always scared,

Uncertainty uses me for satisfaction.



I want to dig a pit.

I want to dig it very deep.

I want to take it off.

I want to open a new page.

I want to feel the freedom too,

Like everyone else.

But I can’t,

I guess I am too clingy to let it go.

A hermit’s cry.



Why did you have to leave

Without telling them that it was not me.



They called me a whore

A gold-digger.

A snake that’s always on the lookout for prey.



I never thought

They would turn against me in less than a second.

I told them all that I knew

Yet they still labelled me a liar.



It’s crazy, I know

But I wish I was not the one who saw you first.

I wish they knew

That I also lost my heart when you left

Maybe they would stop saying

I have your blood on my hands.



The promise.



I thought we would see this day together.

You know,

Every time I think about what you said that day,

My heart is tortured.



It feels as if you knew it already

The crown is about to rest on my head and

I don’t see you anywhere .

I just wonder

How it feels like your end.



















Dearly Beloved.



They say love conquers all

But it is not every love that does.

But the one that is

Appreciated, cherished and reciprocated.

It’s my prayer that our love will be able

To quiet the storms that will overwhelm you.



I did not trust you the day I said “yes”.

I trusted you because of the time I have known you.

Therefore you have my heart,

Guard it jealously from the mongers

Keep it in your safe place.

It is all that I have

That I am and will be.



Dearly beloved...

Do not make me a priority.

Rather, prioritize your well being, aspirations and principles.

I am not there to replace all those things

But to support you so that you can achieve them,

Cheer you on when everyone in the world

Feels that you can’t stand up to your dreams.



My love...

Whenever you need an ear,

I am always at your disposal.

Whenever you need a shoulder

I am always at your service.



My dear...

Maybe I am not the one.

Maybe I am not going to stick around

For as long as a second.

Just keep in mind that as long as I am around

I will always there.











Dear Diary.



What’s going on with me?

What’s this rush of chemicals, I am feeling?

How come I am losing myself now?

Losing my tenacity is a whole new concept

On a different level for me.



Who is he that he makes me feel this way?

His presence makes me clumsy

His voice stops time

His gaze melts my walls away.

He doesn’t beg for my attention

He always has it.



When I am around him

I feel so helpless, nervous and vulnerable.

Who is he?

Where is he from?

If he is from this planet, how does he do it?

How does he make me feel without putting any effort?



I wonder if I have the same effect

On him as he does on me.

If I do,

How come he doesn’t act stupid like I do?

How come he is so immune?



I don’t know what it is that I am feeling

Or what’s going on

But whatever it is,

I don’t want it to stop.

































































The court case.



The judges were right before him and I was sitting in the benches behind. He was never interrogated or even asked, he just shifted the blame on me just to clear his name. The men in the dark suits came and placed me in the hell like small box. I just stood there like stooge, very dumbfounded. I never thought that assistance could turn out to be a crime.



They asked if it was true and all I could do was give them the doggie look since I had no explanation. NO , I just didn’t know where to start. I felt deserted at my time of need. My lips didn’t even twitch but remained glued together. The jury scrutinized me at leisure while I was in hell. The men in dark suits took me. They told me I was innocent. I did not even comment. They shouted “move” but I couldn’t, my bones were so rusty and they wobbled like jelly. I summoned all the strength that was within me so as to move as per instruction. I walked past him , he didn’t even show any remorse, he was dancing to the tone of innocence and persecution of his neighbour.















The race in the forest.



She ran as fast as her legs could carry her but she never reached the end of the forest. She felt so estranged from the life outside the forest. She prayed daily, when she would ever get out of the dense forest. How much she wished to know how much further she still had to go for her to be in the sunshine. She remembered how much she loved and was always heartbroken, how much she would stick around only to be left alone. She hated herself for being so dense, clingy and thirsty.



Nevertheless, she kept running even when she knew that the promise of making it out soon was all in the dark. One thing for sure was that she was never going to stop racing the forest until she made it out.























Suffocating.



I am suffocating, while walking on the street but no one seems to notice. I am dying, while calling for help but they are all ignoring. They think I am a psychopath, a young girl who is just being paranoid. It’s funny that I am suffocating while the breeze feels so serene. Is it because the oxygen is not enough or it’s because of the crises that inadequacy has created on my heart?



How could they tear me apart without any mercy? How could they enjoy the view of my agony? How could they break me down and bury me a 1000ft deep into the dust? How could they forget to pick me up? I was such a fool to believe them while they wore those deceitful smiles. Now I am suffocating in fresh air and everyone seems to be enjoying the joke.



















The maze wearing a mask.



No one knew what was going on, they were all speculations. He was afraid of showing the world how much he was tangled up in scandals. He himself never thought that he would ever find a way out of the maze. It was all worthless, his hopes.



No one suspected that he was the only man, who was all by himself, fighting battles that did not attract any following. They forgot how important silent battles are. He fought them despite the scandals. No one knew that inside he was living in a maze. A maze of walls that he couldn’t climb, walls that towered over him. They were feelings that were within the maze. No one even suspected because he wore a smile everywhere he was, it was his safe place.























Never got to understand.



I had been sitting there for quite a while, wondering. Trying to fathom, why God creates people who are there to hurt. He lets you give them your heart, allows them to use it as a doormat, stomp on it and take it for granted. I never got to understand.



I wondered why he created words. Words as sharp as spears. He allows the tongue to spit out the fierce spears that plunge deep into the heart and crack the whole surface. I never got to understand.



I wondered why it is bitter-sweet. He allowed it to be the best feeling that one can ever have but made it so bitter. Out of it tragedy flows, out of it agony reigns and yet God allows us to yearn for it. I never got to understand why.



I wish I had, had a successful day wondering, sitting on the corner of the room. Cold and alone since my heart was to be the doormat and was to bleed from the spears. It was going to be the bed on which tragedy was to take course. I never got to understand why.









The movie.



The sun rose above the horizon and a beautiful burnt orange colour illuminated, adorning the sky gracefully. All this was happening in her eyes, sitting on the rooftop starring at their picture. They looked peaceful and so in love. They never knew what the future held but she did. What pained her was that someone else was holding her picture too, looking sombre and lonely, knowing what was to happen next like she did.



Many questions were turning and churning inside her but she never had answers. Seeing how happy and heads over heels for each other they were made her hollow feeling mutate into a deep black hole. She had never found anyone who looked at her so intently and intimately like the way the man looked at his lover.



She kept on wondering when she will ever be free from this prison. Her sadness evolved into gloom and the loneliness snatched her sanity. It was them that had her picture who knew when and how her solemn would turn into blithe, that’s if it was to happen.













The demons beyond the lights.



Despite the anger she rose above the heights. Despite the whirlwinds she found her way out. She looked beyond the lights with a vision as sharp as an eagle. The melodies of her smile made the villains cringe with despise. She believed in herself. She was always grateful of the moon that made her see the beauty of the morning star, the storm that made her see the essence of the rainbow. It was all beyond the lights.



Now she stood fearless even though her imagination perplexed her with fright. Her demons never stopped haunting her though she had reached beyond the lights. Every attack made her burst with emotions that she could never control. This proved that even if she had reached beyond the lights, she still had her past to deal with thus the game had re-emerged again.





















Smile.



I never wanted to smile, that it was why it was staggering on my lips. Memories made me void since I couldn’t return to the past nor could I replay it all. It was all flowing down the drain.



Just the thought of it made the smile remain there even if the hate, hurt and bitterness fought it back. The few happy memories fed the smile with hope. Living everyday made it difficult for me to believe that it’s all water under the bridge. It was all gone. The smile was the only thing that said it all. It was all that made my heydays hey.

























Makes me feel.



I cannot believe that I now feel clustered when she passes again. I thought I had sworn to myself not to anymore but here I am, giving furtive glances. I try fighting it but who can help not to gaze at a jewel shining so bright, festooned with so much caution, in the right proportion. I don’t even know what I am feeling but I like it.



Is it only me? It can’t be. It must have been broadcasted or maybe the Dean announced it. But why aren’t they looking as nervous as I am. Why can’t I help it? I used to, so what has changed, what’s so different about her now that can’t be helped. To be honest, I hate it when I can’t help it.















36



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